Jon Gosselin Takes his Sob Story to Larry King

Waaaaaaaah! I’m Jon Gosselin, and I just got kicked off of my own reality show, starring my own family! Now, since I’m not getting a piece of the TLC pie (and you KNOW how much I love pie), I’m going to stomp my feet, scream real loud and get production canceled. It’s in the best interest of my kiiids!

Sure, I’ve been photographed around random trollops and harlots more than I’ve been seen with my 8 children, but I really have their best interests at heart. Obviously, the best way to secure their future is to go to VMA after parties. Right? Isn’t that what normal dads do?

Ugh, I’m sooo misunderstood. It’s hard out here for a poser pimp! I feel like if people knew my side of the story, they’d love me and hate Kate. If only I could get back in the good graces of the public, then maybe I could get my OWN reality show — that would definitely help me my kids the most.

God, I hope this Larry King interview goes well. I hope he doesn’t ask me about Hailey Glassman, or that stupid tabloid reporter. I really hope he doesn’t ask me about how I left my two dogs, when I knew Kate wouldn’t have time to properly take care of them. I really, REALLY hope he doesn’t ask me why I packed up and moved to a bachelor pad in NYC, which has no room for my kids. Maybe if I’m lucky, he won’t ask me any questions at all!