An Open Letter to David Blaine
Dear David Blaine,
When you told me that you were going to be hanging upside down for 60 hours straight, I was impressed. I did the research and found out that you could have gone blind or had a stroke as a results of your efforts, and I was awed by your fearless spirit. Then, reports started coming out that you were taking breaks to “get checked out by a doctor” and stand up. Right side up. I have to admit, I was disappointed in your lack of resolve and bravery. I mean, doing the impossible is kind of your thing.
I, along with millions of other people, were expecting you to tough it out, upside down, for the entire 60 hours. I felt robbed. On the bright side, at least there was still the death drop your people kept hyping to look forward to.
Which brings us to that part of your stunt. Are you effin’ kidding me? I’ve seen crazier stunts performed by high school drama performances of Peter Pan. You only dropped like, half way! That kind of underwhelming, lackluster performance is hardly what I’ve come to admire you for. I feel cheated. In fact, the only thing you successfully did during the course of your stunt was waste more than a million collective hours out of the lives of all the people who watched you. Shame!
So, David. You’ve got a lot of stuff to make up for in your next stunt. I’ll give you one more chance to make up for this disaster…but only one.