Jessica Alba Looks Grouchy

Why is it that Jessica Alba looks so grouchy all the time? She seriously looks sooo miserable, as if life is like, difficult for her or something. I mean, sure, Cash Warren wouldn’t exactly have been my first choice to be my babydaddy, but it could be worse. So, I’m going to go ahead and take it upon myself to list some things that she has to be thankful for. I hope she reads it, and it turns her frown upside down:

1.) She totally rich. Like, really, really rich. She can buy just about anything she wants to! If she wants a yacht, she can go to the yacht store and pick one up. If she wants a leopard, she can go to Africa and buy one! That kind of purchasing power is reason enough to be happy. I once heard that money doesn’t buy happiness, and I’m pretty sure whoever told me that lied right to my face.

2.) She’s totally hot. Remember the baby weight? Because I hardly do. She lost it all in like, 15 minutes or something. So, she’s back to being super good looking. Because of this, if she ever lost all of her money, she could probably find a rich husband in an hour or less. She’ll always be rich! Being filthy rich and attractive are two characteristics that are always in demand.

3.) She’s rich and hot…do I need to list anything else? No! But there is one other thing that I don’t want to overlook: she’s friggin’ famous. Not only is she rich and hot, but she’s also uber famous. Famous people get free stuff all the time (not that it matters, because she has so many dollars), and they get to be in magazines and on the teevee box and stuff. There are thousands of women in LA right now, waiting tables and praying every night to be famous. But not Jessica!

So, Jessie (can I call you that? I feel like we’re kind of friends now), please stop frowning. Because your life is significantly better than mine, and if you’re not happy, how am I supposed to be?