Keanu Reeves is Still Hot
The Day The Earth Stood Still is about to come out in theaters, and I’m uber psyched about it. Yeah, it’s kinda sci-fi and that’s not really the genre that makes my toes tingle, but it has Keanu Reeves in it!
You can take just about any movie and make it better by adding a little dash of Keanu. Remember the surfing one that he did with Patrick Swayze? It was like a one-two punch of awesome! And don’t even get me started on Speed. Keanu had to carry that whole movie on his back, because Dennis Hopper and Sandra Bullock weren’t helping the cause at all.
Let’s take some classics, then add a little Keanu.
- Driving Miss Daisy. Morgan Freeman has got to go…Keanu can act circles around that guy. Plus, we all know he can drive.
- Outbreak. Dustin Hoffman took almost two hours to figure that virus thing out. Amateur! Keanu would have flown to Africa, grabbed that monkey and created an anti-virus in 15 minutes, tops. He was a federal agent in Point Break, so I’m sure he could handle it.
- Titanic. As I watched Leo DiCaprio play Jack, all I could think about is how different things would have been if Keanu had been cast in the role. As the boat was sinking, Keanu would have jumped out, grabbed one end and swam the ship to land himself. Everyone would have been saved, and he probably wouldn’t have even broken a sweat. In case you’re wondering, yes: Keanu does have magical superhuman powers. Which brings me to…
- Batman/Iron Man/Indiana Jones: What’s the matter with these movies? Well, nothing, if you like mere humans to be your superhero. All of these guys are just normal people with crazy toys (or, you know, a whip) that protect them. Keanu doesn’t need any of that, because I’m fairly certain he’s bullet proof. I also have it on good authority that he can fly faster than Superman.
- Casablanca. Do you think Ingrid Bergman would have EVER left Keanu standing at the airfield? Hell no! She would have clung to him for the rest of her life, no matter what crappy town they were stuck in. What kind of candy-ass man lets a lady like Ingrid leave? Not Keanu, I’ll tell you that much.
I’m sure there are dozens of others, but I can’t list them all because I have a root emergency that needs to be taken care of by my stylist, STAT! Right now, Kunta Kinte has nothing on me.